When I was younger there was a fire in my bones. I believed that I could go beyond the sky’s limit. I didn’t think anything was impossible. I was sheltered not knowing that everyone didn’t think or feel the same. I was so hopeful, filled with joy, and love. All I ever wanted to do was to give that to people. I wanted people to feel the same way and see the visions I could see. I had people schooling me on many things, but how to protect that which I had inside of me.
I was always told to respect those older than me. Not only those that were older than me, but people period. I was told to mind my manners and be polite. I was told to share and be selfless. I was told to be humble and never cocky. What I was never allowed to do was stand up for myself. Standing up for myself and voicing my honesty equated to disrespect and ungratefulness. I was to be silent and forgive. I was taught to not say anything to avoid conflict or causing trouble. Yet I was troubled.
At a certain age there was so much anger stirred inside of me that would randomly come out. I didn’t know how to properly communicate my feelings due to the fact of not being able to truly express my emotions, knowing it would offend someone. Offending someone was a no no. So where does this energy go? It eventually comes out in an unintended way.
I hated myself for wanting to be comfortable, and for not going against the grain. I have been slapped in the face, kicked in the stomach, thrown across the room, spanked, yelled at, scorned, etc. when I tried to let it out. I think this is the reason why I allow my daughter to speak her honesty…even if it offends me. I want her to be able to communicate her concerns and feelings without feeling the need to be volatile or hostile. I want her to confidently stand up for herself and actually be heard due to her delivery. I believe in her for creating change for the future. I never want her to feel like she has to allow people to push her around or manipulate her to stay comfortable.
Me on the other hand, I have a lot of work to do. I have to continue to work on pushing past my pain. I have to work on retraining my thoughts and beliefs. I have to continue to educate myself and interact with others outside of what I am used to. There were so many people in my teens and twenties that I looked to for guidance and growth who let me down internally. There were some that made a great impact on who I am and who I have become. Even though the bad and traumatic experiences it helped mold me into who I am and who I have become.
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