This may be the most transparent I have ever been. I did not want to admit this. I was embarrassed to write this. I was afraid, not because I was truly afraid, but because I was afraid of what people would think of me. I think that is the stupidest reason to not do something ever. Especially when there are people out there who feel the same way, but feel muted.
For years in my adulthood I did not trust God. Oh my gosh! What did she say? Yes. I said I DID NOT TRUST GOD. As a child it came so easily to me. Of course, I was still under to comfort of my mother’s care. I didn’t have much responsibility of my own. I did pay for my school, car note, car insurance, etc., but I did not have rent/mortgage or other major bills. I still had a safety net. My Mom always said, “One day you won’t have me to catch you. One day you will have to have a relationship with God on your own”. Of course, my young mind took heed, but not as much as I felt I should have.
So when it came to the time that I had to trust God to get me through hardships… I didn’t. I didn’t believe that God was for me like other people. After all, I kept seeing and hearing about everyone getting these great blessings, but not me. Why not me? I have one of the kindest hearts. I would give anybody anything. I would help anyone. I hardly ever tell anyone No. What was wrong? I questioned if there was a God at all. I thought that if I wanted something done I would have to do it myself. I had a very bad attitude about God.
I went through years of what was struggle and not overcoming. I was going in a downhill spiral, which we all feel at some point regardless of if you believe in God or not. The problem was that I wasn’t seeing these blessings I heard so much about being played out in my own life, so I became discouraged. I became torn. I had no faith. I felt like if God existed and loved me so much…why is this happening? Why is all of these things being allowed? Why are the people, who in my eyes were doing wrong, getting rewarded, and I wasn’t.
Well I realized a few things as I eventually evaluated myself and what I was doing. The number one most important thing that I hadn’t done was taken a leap of faith. God told me to quit my job. I said no. A few hours later, the same day, I got fired. I rejected my leap of faith. Second, I failed to fellowship. I had become so beaten and bruised by the words and actions of others, that I completely shut myself out from others? What do I mean? How can I possibly do that? If there was a room full of people I would purposely sit on the opposite side. I didn’t talk to anyone unless they talked to me first. I did not go outside the house. If I was invited to events I wouldn’t show up. I did not want to talk to or communicate with anyone for fear of being hurt. I did not want to feel pain. I did not want to feel anger. I was selfish. I didn’t want to share my gifts with anyone. I knew what I possess and what I am capable of, but I did not want to share that with the very people who doubted and underestimated me. I was tired of being rejected when I know that I am great and that my skills are great. I was tired of not being given a chance. I was tired of waiting. I keep hearing these tales of breakthroughs, but I never saw them.
I stopped praying out of anger. I stopped taking care of myself. I fell into a depressive state. It was tough. My health was failing and I didn’t know if I was dying or if I was going to live. I didn’t know which direction to turn or what to do. Everything became chaotic. I felt I was losing control of everything. I did not trust God to bring me through, until I HAD TO trust God to bring me through. Today my health is getting better. I am actually making connections. I am sharing my gifts and everything that is in me. I surrendered and am taking a walk of complete faith without knowing what’s coming next. I have accomplished more in 3-4 years than I have in 8-9.
Nobody is perfect. We all fall, but we all can get up. We all have flaws, but there is beauty in the mist of the flaws. Stepping out on faith is just as much of a risk as going to college or taking on a job. I have realized this. We put more faith in things that don’t guarantee success for us, and that are possibly temporary. However, we refuse to trust the creator who created us.